The Brits 2012, where the shit hits the music fans

This year’s Brit Music Award nominations have just been announced and I haven’t stopped laughing since the list was published.

Unfortunately it’s clear, right from the start, that the people who produced this list have spent far too long stuffing coke up their noses. Or Ketamine up their bottoms.

It’s obvious that, in the heads of the Brit panel at least, more than their septums have rotted away; they’ve lost all power of reasoning and deduction.

Instead of working my way through the full list, pulling salient points, one-by-one, I’d just like to focus on the most glaringly obvious public declarations of mental illness, by the Brit panel.

  • Best British Male solo artist:
  • Noel Gallagher
  • James Morrison
  • James Blake
  • Professor Green
  • Ed Sheeran
I raised my eyes at the inclusion of a couple of names here, but the stand-out What The Fuck Are These People Drinking name is Ed Sheeran. Ed Sheeran? Really? Ed Sheeran is rated as being considered to be Best British Solo Artist? On what fucking planet? Using what kind of twisted, messed up criteria? Have you seen him live? I have – at Reading Festival. Where his performance was unfocussed, shambling and painful.

And breathe…

  • Best British Group:
  • Arctic Monkeys
  • Chase and Status
  • Coldplay
  • Elbow
Arctic Monkeys? Best British Group? Using what kind of utterly fucked-up, totally twisted logic do Arctic Monkeys even get¬†favourable¬†consideration to just get on this list?¬†Last year – which is the year this list is supposed to relate to – last year Muse outsold Arctic Monkeys 25:1 in the album charts. Muse returned two sets of album sales at Double Platinum level. Arctic Monkeys didn’t even get one to Gold. What the Holy Fuck is this category about, because if it’s not ‘sales’ that gets the band on this list, what is it??

  • Best International newcomer:
  • Aloe Blacc
  • Bon Iver
  • Foster the People
  • Lana Del Ray
  • Nicki Minaj

This is completely incomprehensible. How can an artist (Bon Iver), who started recording their work, under label, in 2007, and released an album, under label, in 2008, be regarded as a (I almost hesitate to use the word) ‘newcomer’ in 2011? Is this some weird, drugged-up definition of ‘new’ or ‘newcomer’ that only the people who fuck up make up the list of Brit nominations use? By the Lord Fucking Harry, these people really are mental.

So there we have it, just a few very good reasons why the Brits are now completely discredited, and why – like the last member of the soon-to-be-extinct species of Dinosaur, the Brits (and the music industry they represent) will soon be nothing more than a small pile of dust.

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