Rock of Ages

Those bowel-loosening times when you force yourself back in to the dentist’s chair blinking, mole-like, against the super-bright lights that almost blind you?

And you try to calm yourself in to a state of false relaxation, to mask your anxieties, then the dentist’s head looms in to your field of vision.

You stare up in to the dentist’s cold, dark, soul-less, lifeless eyes; you are filled with utter despair, and your life flashes before you.

Or, if you want the same feelings, you could always pop to the cinema to watch the ‘musical’ film ‘Rock Of Ages’.

This artless, guileless, over-long (123 minutes? Really?) pile of cinematic rubbish has the capacity to be a Musical Weapon of Mass Destruction. It is not even clever enough to be called ‘a loose parody’.

It is really awful.

Tom Cruise uses his considerable acting skills to portray a very short rock wannabe who shouldn’t wear leather trousers.

Russell Brand is competent at playing Russell Brand, but why, in the name of Dante’s Nine Circles of Hell, does he attempt an Ozzy Osbourne-esque Brummie accent?

What a twat.

This film has more flaws than the current World Champion Stick-Shaker could shake a medium-weight stick at.

Please stay at home and save your money.

Or go and get a root canal; even that would be more fun than having to sit through 123 minutes of Rock of Ages.

Exam result: F

Brennig Jones

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